[Scene: a party of some sort, or other person-dense event. I am standing somewhere unobtrusive, as is my wont. I am accompanied by my Extroverted Alter-Ego (EAE). A Random Extrovert (RE) approaches.]
RE: Hi! You’re new here.
Me: .
EAE (steps in): Hi! This is Sam. I’ve been hired as his Extroverted Alter-Ego for the evening. It’s just great to meet you!
RE: Um. I wasn’t talking to you.
EAE: I know! It’s fine! I’ve been retained to provide socialization services for Sam here. I’m excellent at socializing! Here’s my card. You can hire me on TaskRabbit.
RE: So he doesn’t talk at all?
EAE: Not in public, as far as I can tell. But he’s told me about himself, and he’s really selling himself short! Did you know he’s a songwriter? He’s really great!
RE: Well, that’s interesting, but this is ooking me out a bit.
EAE: No, seriously, he’s great! Would you like to hear a song? (to me) You brought your guitar, right?
Me (frantic whisper): Of course not. This is a party.
EAE: No matter! We can do an a capella singalong! What’s the first line of your hit?
Me (frantic whisper): I don’t have a hit. No one’s ever heard of me.
EAE: Not a problem! I can teach them!
RE: I think I need to freshen my drink.
EAE: We’ll come with you!
RE: No, really, this is something I need to do alone. (runs off)
Me: I don’t think this is working out.
EAE: No, no, this is going really well. Let’s go over and say hello to that guy over there! (points to Random Introvert (RI) in a nearby corner)
Me: I didn’t hire you to approach other people.
EAE: How do you think this party thing works, anyway? Trust me. (drags me over to RI)
EAE: Hi! Great party, isn’t it?
RI: .
EAE: So, what’s your name?
RI: Please go away.
EAE: I’m not familiar with that name. Get it? Joke. C’mon, get in the spirit of things. What’s the point of being here otherwise?
RI: My best friend told me I had to leave the house. He dragged me here and abandoned me. (points to RE at the beverage table)
EAE: Met him. Great guy!
RI: Please go away.
EAE: You know what you need? An Extroverted Alter-Ego! Here’s my card.
Me: I’m really sorry about this.
RI: Y’know, if you extroverts would just leave us introverts alone, the world would be a much better place.
EAE: But you’d never talk to anyone!
RI: I think you’re missing the point of being an introvert.
RE (returns from beverage table): Hm. I see you’ve met, um, Sam, was it? and his megaphone.
EAE: I’m an Extroverted Alter-Ego, please. “Megaphone” is a term of oppression.
RI: Can we leave now?
EAE: We’ll come with you!
Me (frantic whisper): I don’t want to go with him.
RI: What, like I’m some sort of leper or something?
Me: Well, you’re basically standing there like a bump on a log. My winter jacket is a better conversationalist.
RI: Says the guy with the hired tongue.
EAE: Hey! I’m an Extroverted Alter-Ego. “Hired tongue” is a term of oppression. I don’t understand you people.
RE: I don’t understand them either. How’d you get into this line of work, anyway? I’m beginning to see the appeal, although whats-his-name here doesn’t seem to be very appreciative. (points to me)
EAE: I’d be happy to tell you all about it! These people really need our help, you know. Let’s get a drink. (starts to walk off with RE)
RI: Hey! You can’t just leave me here!
RE: Look, I got you to leave the house, didn’t I? You’re going to have to talk to somebody eventually. (walks away)
Me (looking at my shoes): .
RI (looking at his shoes): .
[Slow, awkward fade.]